I’m genuinely apologizing to you!

I didn’t mean to disappear like this! I didn’t plan being away this long nt writing or reading and responding to comments.

My physical status have gone crazy; it has just went down and continued doing so. With this short post I just want to shortly explain that right now I’ve been forced to change my priorities – I’m just doing what my body allows which is not much… I spend most of my days in bed right now and I’m in the beginning of my doctors ‘investigations’ of what’s wrong. So I don’t know if I’m like this because my MS has gotten worse or if it’s some kind of virus or bacteria that’s messing me up. This moment I’m waiting for the answers from my test for bacteria in my urine and on my Cover -19-test. Not until I get answer of my Covid-test I’ll be able to leave the prescribed blood tests. That is if my Covid-test is negative…

You just have to love Covid… Me being cold most of this year hasn’t helped things out. But at least I haven’t had Covid! Yet, that is.

My intentions and hopes are that I will read all comments and I still want to have ‘yoga classes’ on my YouTube channel. But the lack of strength in my muscles, it feels as if they are filled with jelly, and the fatigue is killing me.

I beg of your forgiveness and pleas be patient with me and this blog. I need to learn whether this state of mine is going to stay or, hopefully, temporary. When I know I will tell. Maybe I can make short posts like this, not caring about SEO, keywords or the look of the post. But just to show you how I tackle my oh so tired days.

Bye for now. Yours sincerely,

Fina.


PS! The worst thing about the picture above is that it really shows what I look like…

Mindful of being scatterbrained

MINDFUL OF BEING SCATTERBRAINED

Me enjoying life

I’ve had the most wonderful days Wednesday-Sunday past week! I can’t remember when I last could enjoy so many days in a row with almost none sadness in mind.

My family was supposed to leave Sweden for a vacation in Greece last week, but something about a virus called Covid -19  (have you heard of it? I surly haven’t…) happened to the world. So just a couple of weeks ago my husband found a cottage for rent on a camping site in Haverdal, situated at the western coast of Sweden.  And being there I realized that I wouldn’t have change that trip against the trip to Greece. The reason for that might be the hot and sunny weather we were lucky to have. And I can tell you that the nights felt just like a night at a hotel in Greece – sweaty…

Of course there were the usual feelings of sadness for not being able to stay up in the evenings playing Yatzy and cards with the hubby and kids, for not being able to take the strolls as I normally do on the dunes, for not having the body strength in the evening to play adventure golf with the family and so on. But actually, that sadness was almost non. The feelings of letting my family done was almost down to zero

 

The power of mindfulness

Lots of mindfulness practices

That is what I’ve done, many hours (when I add them together). I’ve really tried hard to get my yoga and meditation done everyday, and yes, there are days I’ve gotten none of them done. But I’ve also allowed my to just pause every now and then to see all there are to se around me, whether I’m indoors or outdoors. Sniff up all the senses. To listen to the sounds around me. To feel what my body feels like right then. Or feel the wind against my arms. 

My breathing is something I return to several times a day. To get my breathing all the way down in my belly. It helps my stressed out brain to slow down and it’s helpful against my pain. And of cause – it gives oxygen to my brain. 

And I really try to listen to my body, what can I do without getting a pissed off body that does anything it can to make my day miserable. This is why I’ve not finished my web course about doing yoga in a wheelchair. I’m struggling with it but I’m getting better when it comes to accept the fact that my body, not my brain, decides what I can or can’t to.  But being mindful about my body and its limitation helps me understand myself better.

 

Harvesting of my training

This trip we took I really managed to be ‘mindful’ using mindfulness. I enjoyed the sounds – there were so many birds!!! Not many seagulls, but birds with wonderful vocalizations. Children laughing, the thunder (no rain), the wind in the trees, splashing in the ocean and so on and so on.

I could feel all the scents from the sea, foods, flowers, grass and also some not so nice scents…

The sun warming my skin, the wind making the warmth tolerable, my hair tickling my nose (not so comfortable), the soft and warm sand, the too hot pavement, the sand that had made its way on to my bedsheets…

I felt the taste of the sweet ice-cream, the taste of newly brewed coffee, the taste of the most delicious pizza I’ve probably ever eaten.

And my inside felt joy! Joy about being my kids enjoying their days. Joy when they played with our dog on the beach. (Yes, dogs were allowed where we were.) Joy when seeing our dog realizing that he loves to dig in the sand. The joy I felt when I stayed up longer than usual to watch the rest of my family playing adventure golf while I had our oh so wonderful dog on my lap. 

 

Short about social distancing

Yes, it worked out just fine. Everybody kept the distance on the camping ground and the restaurants we ate. I never went into the store since I’m in the group of “high risk people” when it comes to getting it. Unfortunately my throat have been sore since yesterday so the packages I ordered haven’t been picked up yet.(papers for my office and a cordless vacuumcleaner (to make it easier for my to vacuum our house. I always get in to a fight with the one we have since either the cord or the   box that holds the dust bag, ALWAYS get stuck on something.) 

Ok. Just had to pause and breath for a minute. I get angry just talking about vacuum cleaners…

 

Please, let me share my experiences with you

The course I’m making is in Swedish. But if there’s an interest of yoga in a wheelchair in English, please reach out! 

I have plans of making courses or events, like Facebooklive or youtube live, about yoga for children and youths, for beginners. I want to share and hold courses in meditation and mindfulness, what I as a chronic ill/former trained nurse/closeone to person with cancer person has found use of it.

I so want to be useful for others. Analyzing that statement: am I doing it for feeling good about myself or genuinely wants to help others? This is something I’ve asked myself over and over again. I decided that the reason is to feel good about myself I have to stop having my blog, stop trying to make a course and just focus on my life as a wife, mother and friend (and all the other things I am). 

I truly want to be helpful because I know (and you know that I know if you’ve read earlier posts) that yoga, mindfulness, meditation and getting a normality to your not so normal life are cam be good for you. 

 

Peace out!

 

How I’m changing my life and webpage to cope with my ‘new life’

How I'm changing my life and blog to cope with my 'new life'

My explanation to you

Feeling not so great

I’ve blead a lot, actually the whole of April except for a couple of days. So my energy level is almost completely drain. And of cause – it makes the symptoms from my PPMS worsen. So most of my times I’ve spent in my bed, not doing much when it comes to householdchores. 

During all this shittyness I’ve now become a yoga instructor for children and teens. Yey, for me. 

Taking my webb to a new level

So now I intend to change up my website, adding Yoga, meditation, mindfulness for kids and those who have some sort of impediments that makes it difficult for them to perform these ‘activities’ the ‘normal’ way.

I intend to have yogaposes and videos how you can perform these ‘activities’ in a chair or a wheelchair. Or performing them on a yogamat with the help from different aids. Since my most likely clients are living in Sweden my videos are in Swedish right now, and honestly; I’ve only made one video with actual training. The other 2 or 3 where me practicing infront of a camera telling those who might see them about my plans.

If you would like me to do some videos in English feel free to contact me!

If you understand Swedish your welcome And if you don't - you're welcome anyway

I AM here. I AM now.

March 31, 2020

I cherished a moment. A moment I never would have gotten if it hadn’t been for Covid -19 invading our earth.

My son have had a headache since yesterday. I know that he doesn’t eat what he needs to; not for breakfast and not eating what they serve at school. And on top of that he doesn’t sleep the amount of hours he needs to. 2 big reasons for why he’s got headache. But now it’s Covid-time so despite the facts that he haven’t got fever and I know why he’s got headache I couldn’t send him to school. And I know he’s tiredness and headaches and an open door to our balcony are the reasons for him freezing, but still,  I can’t send him to school. Because in a worse case scenario; he’s been invaded by Covid and then they sertainly not want him at school.

I sat on our couch watching the last episode of Westwood under a blanket. I asked if I wanted to join me under the blanket since he was cold. To my big surprise my 14 years old boy said yes.

He leaned his head against my stomach and thigh and I shared and put the blanket around his upper body. He had put on the hood on his hoodie but I could still “fiddle” with his fringe. I “fiddled” his fringe and I gently stroke his forehead, his temples at the same time as we watched the tv. Soon I came to watch almost solely him. For now it’s moments like this that I need to be present. Partly because he is so big now that he might never again, or at least during several years, be so close to me or leaning that way against me. Or let me “fiddle” with his fringe and stroke his forehead.

I studied his hair, saw that is now ash-blond. It is more bristly now compared to when he was younger. It’s texture is now more like his fathers hair. On his templets, where his hair is much shorter, his hair is almost white. That kind of white that small children can have. Not as the white his grandfather hair has. His “toddler-skin”, the skin that felt like you stroke a really soft fleece blanket, has been replaced with a teens bumpy skin. Even though he’s hardly been out in the sun his skin has started to get tanned. He’s that kind of person the whole family envy; he thinks about the son and then gets tanned as a swedish gingerbread man.

His breathing was barely audible but I saw his hoodie lift and go down over his stomach. I could feel the scent of his perfume. I didn’t know if he had put that on that morning or if it was in his hoodie from the day before. But it’s fragrance was wonderful and masculine. At the same time it reminded me of a perfume that I saved money so I could buy it when I was his age. It was called “Puzzle” and I loved it! So when his perfume reminded me of a masculine version of my perfume I was filled with a calmness inside of me. At the same time I got that kind of pain in my chest that only an overwhelming feeling can cause.

His long, incredible long, eyelashes flickered a little before his eyes shut entirely. Couldn’t stop staring at him. I saw how his eyelids was moving in pace with his eyes under them. What did he dream about? The wings of his nose was slightly dilated when he breathed in and the noises the breaths made made me realize that he’d inherited his fathers narrow nasal passages.

I kept on stroking his hair, his forehead, tempels, the outside of his septum and cheeks.

Breathed in his scent and his sleeping sounds. I enjoyed! Picture that this big boy, whose head just had been covering the palm of my hand, now is almost a grown man. How can this be “my little boy”?  He’s now taller than I am.

The thought of this may be the last time that I got to have him sleeping on my lap slapped me in my face. Punched me in my stomach. Tightened it’s fists around my heart. Made my eyes filling up and over. Had to take the arms of my pyjamas to dry my tears. And when the sobbing came and even my nose threatened to drip down on him my breathing changed. This woke him up, he looked at me and asked what it was. “Nothing”, I replied but the spell was broken. My moment with him was over. He was awake and I understood that he know wanted to sit up. Me I had to rush to the closest papercloth.

Life, children, the earth. Everything are spinning so fast. Passes so quickly.But I managed to seize a moment, get some joy this day, despite me carrying a heavy burden. I’ve now seen that it’s possible – not to seize a day but at least seizing a moment of the day.

Thank you Sanna for the practices in mindfulness and meditations! I’m now going to take back my life that’s been stolen from me. If someone is going to rule my life it’s me!

Thank you Sanna for the practices in mindfulness and meditation! I’m now gonna take back my life that’s been stolen from me. Circumstances, family,  events and other people are always gonna dictate how much of I will be able to govern. But the post as boss of my life that post I will be filling that. With me. Instantaneously.

 

But please! Don’t ask me a month from now how it works out for the boss of my life. Or ask what the boss thinks of me and the other employees. There’s an impending risk that she doesn’t like the organisation she ended up in..

Jag ÄR här. Jag ÄR nu.

31 mars 2020

Jag tog tillvara på ett ögonblick. Ett ögonblick som aldrig hade upppkommit ifall inte Covid -19 intagit vårt jordklot.

Min son har haft huvudvärk sen igår. Jag vet att han inte äter det ha behöver; inte till frukost och sällan maten i skolan. Och dessutom ger han sig inte den sömn han behöver. 2 stora orsaker till varför huvudvärk uppstår. Men nu är det Covid-tider så trots att han var feberfri och jag har anledningarna tills han huvudvärk Och att trötthet och huvudvärk och en öppen altandörr var orsakerna till varför han frös kunde jag inte låta honom gå till skolan. För i värsta fall var huvudvärken och frysningarna tecken på att Covid inkräktat på hans kropp och då vill de inte ha honom i skolan.

Själv satt jag uppkrupen i soffan under en filt och såg det senaste avsnittet av Westworld. Jag frågade om han ville krypa in under filten hos mig eftersom han förs. Till  min stora förvåning tackade 14-åringen ”ja”.

Han lutade sitt huvud mot min mage och lår och jag svepte filten över hans överkropp. Trots att han dragit upp luvan på hans tröja så kunde jag komma åt hans lugg. Jag ”pillade” i luggen och strök honom över panna och tinningar samtidigt som vi tittade på tv:n och snart kom jag att titta nästan uteslutande på honom. För nu är det stunder som denna jag måste vara närvarande i .Dels för att han är så stor att han kanske aldrig mer, eller i alla fall under flera års tid, inte kommer att vara så nära, så uppkrupen mot mig. Eller tillåta mig pilla i hans hår eller stryka hans panna.

Jag studerade hans hår, såg att det nu är cendrefärgat. Att det är strävare än då han var yngre. Dess textur känns nu mer som hans pappas hår. I tinningarna där hans hår är betydligt kortare är jams hår nästan vitt. Den vithet små barn kan ha. Inte som den vithet hans farfars hår har. Hans småbarnshy, den hy som kändes som om man strök en mjuk fleecepläd, har bytts mot en tonårings knottriga hy. Trots att han knappt varit ute i solen har hans hy börjat bli brun. Han är en sån som hela familjen avundas; han tänker på sol och så blir han brun som en pepparkaka.

Hans andetag var knappt hörbara men jag såg hans tröja höjas och sänkas vid hans mage. Jag kunde känna doften av hans parfym. Om han tagit på sig den på morgonen eller om den satt i hans kläder visste jag inte. Men den doftade underbar och maskulint. Samtidig som den påminde om den parfym som jag sparade pengar till för att kunna köpa när jag var i hans ålder. ”Puzzle” hette den och jag älskade den. Så när hans parfym påminde om en maskulin version av den fylldes jag med ett lugn inombords. Samtidig fick jag så där ont i bröstet som bara en överväldigande känsla kan göra.

Hans långa, otroligt långa, ögonfransar fladdrade lite innan hans ögon slöts helt. Kunde inte sluta stirra på honom. Såg hur ögonlocken rörde sig i takt med hur hans ögon rörde sig innanför. Vad drömde han om? Hans näsvingar vidgades lätt vid inandning och ljuden andetagen skapade fick mig att inse att han ärvt sin pappas trånga näsgångar.

Jag fortsatte stryka hans hår, hans panna, hans tinningar, näsben och kinder. Sög i mig hans doft och hans sovljud. Jag njöt!!! Tänk att denna stora pojk, vars huvud nyss rymdes i min hand, nu nästan är en vuxen man. Hur kan han vara ”miin lille pojk”? Han är ju längre än vad jag är.

Tanken på att detta kanske var sista gången som jag fick ha honom sovandes i mitt knä örfilade mig. Slog mig i magen. Knöt sin näver hårt runt mitt hjärta. Fick mina ögon att välla över. Var tvungen att ta min pyjamaströjas ärm och torka tårarna. När snyftningarna kom och även näsan hotade att droppa på honom ändrades min andning. Detta fick honom att vakna, titta på mig och fråga vad det var. ”inget”, svarade jag men förtrollningen var bruten. Mitt ögonblick med honom var över. Han var vaken och jag förstod på honom att han nu ville sätta sig upp. Själv var jag tvungen att rusa med min nästa till närmsta papper.

Livet, barnen, jorden. Allt snurrar så snabbt. Går så snabbt. Men jag lyckades fånga ett ögonblick, få lite glädje denna dag, trots att jag bär på en tung last. Jag har sett att det går – inte fånga dagen men i alla fall fånga och ta var på en stund.

Tack Sanna för mindfulnessövningarna och meditationerna! Jag tänker nu ta tillbaka mitt liv som har stulits ifrån mig. Är det någon som ska styra över mitt liv så är det jag! Omständigheter, familj, händelser, andra människor kommer hela tiden att påverka hur pass mycket jag kan styra mitt liv. Men chefen över mitt liv, den tjänsten tillsätter jag. Med mig själv. Med omedelbar verkan.

Men snälla! Fråga mig inte om en månad hur det går för chefen av mitt liv. Eller vad chefen tycker om mig och alla andra anställda. Finns en överhängande risk för att hon inte gillar den verksamhet hon hamnat i…

Men snälla! Fråga mig inte om en månad hur det går för chefen av mitt liv. Eller vad chefen tycker om mig och alla andra anställda. Finns en överhängande risk för att hon inte gillar den verksamhet hon hamnat i…

Falling into the positivity-trap

It's funny how everybody considers honesty a virtue, yet no one wants to hear the truth.
heartfeltquotes.blogspot.com

Falling into the Positivity Trap 

I really fell into the ‘always be positive trap’! I started this blog to help others thru their chronic illnesses by charing information and advices of how to manage all those side effects of our illnesses. I started to scan blogs and websites about all topics that are relevant when having a chronic illness. And then I lost my track…

 When a full-blown anxiety-attack strikes

What do you do when you have an full-blown anxiety-attack and none of your coping-methods help? Or, as in my case, I didn’t want to use my coping-methods. So tired of always having to fight these dark thoughts.

The cause of my anxiety-attack was all the stuff I need to deal with. All these everyday-stuff. Wife-stuff. Mother-stuff. Daughter-stuff. Being a good friend-stuff. With the difference that everyone around me, and me, are being affected of an illness that I have dragged into our lives. These issues gives me feelings of being the one to blame for all negativity, guilt. And I feel worthless as a mother and wife. My upbringing of our kids have totally failed. Just the upbringing of our two years old dog, Wille. They would be better off without me.

I know that these thoughts are dangerous for me and hurtful for those around me. I’ve already acted the wrong way to these feelings once time (took my life in August 2019 – I couldn’t even do that correctly). I Made a promise to my kids and husband that I would never do that again so I can’t use that as a coping strategy…

So what did I do when I had this full-blown anxiety-attack? In the end I’d used a combo of bad coping strategies and  good coping strategies. The bad coping strategy– took extra sleeping-pills to fall asleep faster. I couldn’t stand letting that day include more minutes. (I know how many too much I can take without my body shutting off. I DO ADVICE YOU TO NOT DO THE SAME THING!!! How we respond to medications are very individual and you may have a more potent medication for sleeping-disorders than I do!!!)

My good coping strategy: Did my breathing techniques which makes me calm since I have to put my focus on my breathing. This is not easy! Practice this when you are calm. Preferably every day. If you then have an anxiety-attack you will get use of all your practices.

It’s strange, but every time I’ve had an attack like this, the morning after the deepest darkness is gone. On the other hand – the day after can start with someone triggering these emotions again and a new anxiety-attack flares up. Hopefully one of my coping strategies has a result that time.

Nobody wants to see and read on Instagram about misery.

Our wonderful, Corona-infected, world don’t want to read about the ugly truth. Let’s play the ‘pretend game’ where everyone are rich, beautiful and oh, so happy!!! I slipped in to that game for a second and now I’m turning that game off.  That game can be fun to play for a while, but when you realize that many of those other players ARE rich, beautiful and happy and they doesn’t give a fu** about you, or how fun  you think that game is… That game isn’t for you. ‘

I know that you choose how you want to respond to things you see and that it’s your responsibility to know what’s real and what’s just showing off. But it’s difficult. Especially when you have so low self-esteem as I have very often nowadays. That feeling of inadequacy hasn’t to do with the feeling ‘I wish I travelled’, ‘I wish I was rich’ or ‘I wish I had such a fancy dinner’. No, my feeling of inadequacy has to do with me not being able to give my kids as other kids seems to be getting. At least according to Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest or what social media you watch.

Be positive!

It is not ok to feel down and think that life sucks. That your paycheck sucks. That the politicians sucks. That being sick sucks. That everyday-life, sometimes or often, sucks. Your supposed to smile anyway, you son of a b! Be positive for christ sake so you don’t make others feel bad! Never EVER tell them how you really feel!

I’m aware of my horrible language but I’m so over always excusing myself, always feeling the pressure of ‘having to do something good for the society’, always feeling the pressure to write positive quotes and tell the whole world of ‘how grateful I am for…’.

I’m so tired. So terrible tired. I can’t see how I can go on like this, year in and year out. 

What you want others to think of you

I know that my closest friends and relatives don’t mind me telling the truth but I don’t want them to think that I’m a ‘complaining’ and ‘depressing’ person.

A split personality

At the same time I think of all the things I want to do that gives me joy. Like becoming instructor in yoga for youth and kids. Hold classes in mindfulness for others with chronic illnesses. (Because I can guarantee them, by own experience, that learning to breath the right way can help you thru an anxiety-attack.) And I want to have yoga for those who needs a chair to yoga. Yoga for those who can’t perform advanced positions (like the dog with is arse facing the sky).

And I want to have a dog that I can take out even if I’m in my wheelchair. But we have never taught him how to walk without running infront of our legs or without over-stretching the leash. Finally we have found a good dog trainer and started in her class!

No surprise; our dog was the one who was the least obedient one in the class… It was so obvious where we went wrong in our parenting, listen to her theory-lessons at the same time as I reflected over our dogs behavior…

 

 

At the same time I feel the expectations from the world around me that they want me to feel good and do my best. I feel the expectations that I shall ‘think positive and conquer my physical impairments and do great things’.

Somewhere deep inside I yet hope that someone out there feels “it isn’t just me who is struggling” and being helped of mine oh so depressing posts on ‘my’ social medias.

Then comes the lightning

Today we finally got to see the sun!!! In my ‘sunny-corner’ on our patio it has been warm enough to show my legs and arms. (praying to the higher powers that I will get another skin tone than that ‘corpse-white’ they’ve now got.) Unfortunately it’s still cold everywhere else outside my ‘sunny-corner’ but there’s hope. I know I will feel a little more happy if we get a sunny and warm summer, but I live in Sweden, so…

 

It’s not much I’ve written in this post but still it has taking me two days to write it. I think I’ve mentioned it earlier in the post – I’m so tired 😉 Please excuse this post for the strangeness in it’s first heading. I don’t understand how I made that read background that pops up and I can’t change it back…

In terms of Covid -19

I hope that raging virus treats you gentle and no-one close to you will get seriously ill. Even if I’ve got PPMS and just got my antibody treatment I’m not worried for my own sake. I’m more worried about my parentes and parents in law and my sister in law (she also have treatment for MS, not the same kind of MS as me, though). My belief is that it’s dangerous for those who ‘the normal’ influensa is dangerous to. Covid -19 has just spread more than ‘the normal’ flue. That is what I believe, not claiming I’m right.

How do you deal when you get your anxiety-attacks and what are your triggers? Love to hear from you!

/Fina

 

All you need to know about coping strategies and where you find them

My intention with this post is to tell you about what a copingstrategy is. And why  they excist. Where can you find them? In the supermarket? Did you know that we are born with some of these strategies? If we don´t have problems with our nervous system we will draw back our hand if burn it. Our coping strategy is to stay away from burning thingies…

(more…)

Coping Strategy when down / depressed pt 6 – Using a Planner

Filled my vains with fluid

If you’ve ever felt down or depressed for a longer time you know what it does to your brain. Your ability to remember things to do, meetings, children activity and at what time your spouse has his or hers workout and so on. Even remembering that you need to do the laundry and what sort of laundry you need to do that day becomes difficult. (And here I need to take a break cause this reminded me that I do have laundry to take care of now…)

If you’re already struggle with a bad memory due to e.g. fatigue or damages on your brain from an accident or from disease, your brain will more likely say “syntax error” when you’re trying remembering stuff. I know that there might be some of you who haven’t heard of “syntax error” and if your dragging with memoryless you might have forgotten what it means. Google it. Continue reading “Coping Strategy when down / depressed pt 6 – Using a Planner”