Falling into the Positivity Trap
I really fell into the ‘always be positive trap’! I started this blog to help others thru their chronic illnesses by charing information and advices of how to manage all those side effects of our illnesses. I started to scan blogs and websites about all topics that are relevant when having a chronic illness. And then I lost my track…
When a full-blown anxiety-attack strikes
What do you do when you have an full-blown anxiety-attack and none of your coping-methods help? Or, as in my case, I didn’t want to use my coping-methods. So tired of always having to fight these dark thoughts.
The cause of my anxiety-attack was all the stuff I need to deal with. All these everyday-stuff. Wife-stuff. Mother-stuff. Daughter-stuff. Being a good friend-stuff. With the difference that everyone around me, and me, are being affected of an illness that I have dragged into our lives. These issues gives me feelings of being the one to blame for all negativity, guilt. And I feel worthless as a mother and wife. My upbringing of our kids have totally failed. Just the upbringing of our two years old dog, Wille. They would be better off without me.
I know that these thoughts are dangerous for me and hurtful for those around me. I’ve already acted the wrong way to these feelings once time (took my life in August 2019 – I couldn’t even do that correctly). I Made a promise to my kids and husband that I would never do that again so I can’t use that as a coping strategy…
So what did I do when I had this full-blown anxiety-attack? In the end I’d used a combo of bad coping strategies and good coping strategies. The bad coping strategy– took extra sleeping-pills to fall asleep faster. I couldn’t stand letting that day include more minutes. (I know how many too much I can take without my body shutting off. I DO ADVICE YOU TO NOT DO THE SAME THING!!! How we respond to medications are very individual and you may have a more potent medication for sleeping-disorders than I do!!!)
My good coping strategy: Did my breathing techniques which makes me calm since I have to put my focus on my breathing. This is not easy! Practice this when you are calm. Preferably every day. If you then have an anxiety-attack you will get use of all your practices.
It’s strange, but every time I’ve had an attack like this, the morning after the deepest darkness is gone. On the other hand – the day after can start with someone triggering these emotions again and a new anxiety-attack flares up. Hopefully one of my coping strategies has a result that time.
Nobody wants to see and read on Instagram about misery.
Our wonderful, Corona-infected, world don’t want to read about the ugly truth. Let’s play the ‘pretend game’ where everyone are rich, beautiful and oh, so happy!!! I slipped in to that game for a second and now I’m turning that game off. That game can be fun to play for a while, but when you realize that many of those other players ARE rich, beautiful and happy and they doesn’t give a fu** about you, or how fun you think that game is… That game isn’t for you. ‘
I know that you choose how you want to respond to things you see and that it’s your responsibility to know what’s real and what’s just showing off. But it’s difficult. Especially when you have so low self-esteem as I have very often nowadays. That feeling of inadequacy hasn’t to do with the feeling ‘I wish I travelled’, ‘I wish I was rich’ or ‘I wish I had such a fancy dinner’. No, my feeling of inadequacy has to do with me not being able to give my kids as other kids seems to be getting. At least according to Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest or what social media you watch.
It is not ok to feel down and think that life sucks. That your paycheck sucks. That the politicians sucks. That being sick sucks. That everyday-life, sometimes or often, sucks. Your supposed to smile anyway, you son of a b! Be positive for christ sake so you don’t make others feel bad! Never EVER tell them how you really feel!
I’m aware of my horrible language but I’m so over always excusing myself, always feeling the pressure of ‘having to do something good for the society’, always feeling the pressure to write positive quotes and tell the whole world of ‘how grateful I am for…’.
I’m so tired. So terrible tired. I can’t see how I can go on like this, year in and year out.
What you want others to think of you
I know that my closest friends and relatives don’t mind me telling the truth but I don’t want them to think that I’m a ‘complaining’ and ‘depressing’ person.
A split personality
At the same time I think of all the things I want to do that gives me joy. Like becoming instructor in yoga for youth and kids. Hold classes in mindfulness for others with chronic illnesses. (Because I can guarantee them, by own experience, that learning to breath the right way can help you thru an anxiety-attack.) And I want to have yoga for those who needs a chair to yoga. Yoga for those who can’t perform advanced positions (like the dog with is arse facing the sky).
And I want to have a dog that I can take out even if I’m in my wheelchair. But we have never taught him how to walk without running infront of our legs or without over-stretching the leash. Finally we have found a good dog trainer and started in her class!
No surprise; our dog was the one who was the least obedient one in the class… It was so obvious where we went wrong in our parenting, listen to her theory-lessons at the same time as I reflected over our dogs behavior…
At the same time I feel the expectations from the world around me that they want me to feel good and do my best. I feel the expectations that I shall ‘think positive and conquer my physical impairments and do great things’.
Somewhere deep inside I yet hope that someone out there feels “it isn’t just me who is struggling” and being helped of mine oh so depressing posts on ‘my’ social medias.
Then comes the lightning
Today we finally got to see the sun!!! In my ‘sunny-corner’ on our patio it has been warm enough to show my legs and arms. (praying to the higher powers that I will get another skin tone than that ‘corpse-white’ they’ve now got.) Unfortunately it’s still cold everywhere else outside my ‘sunny-corner’ but there’s hope. I know I will feel a little more happy if we get a sunny and warm summer, but I live in Sweden, so…
It’s not much I’ve written in this post but still it has taking me two days to write it. I think I’ve mentioned it earlier in the post – I’m so tired 😉 Please excuse this post for the strangeness in it’s first heading. I don’t understand how I made that read background that pops up and I can’t change it back…
In terms of Covid -19
I hope that raging virus treats you gentle and no-one close to you will get seriously ill. Even if I’ve got PPMS and just got my antibody treatment I’m not worried for my own sake. I’m more worried about my parentes and parents in law and my sister in law (she also have treatment for MS, not the same kind of MS as me, though). My belief is that it’s dangerous for those who ‘the normal’ influensa is dangerous to. Covid -19 has just spread more than ‘the normal’ flue. That is what I believe, not claiming I’m right.
How do you deal when you get your anxiety-attacks and what are your triggers? Love to hear from you!