I AM here. I AM now.

March 31, 2020

I cherished a moment. A moment I never would have gotten if it hadn’t been for Covid -19 invading our earth.

My son have had a headache since yesterday. I know that he doesn’t eat what he needs to; not for breakfast and not eating what they serve at school. And on top of that he doesn’t sleep the amount of hours he needs to. 2 big reasons for why he’s got headache. But now it’s Covid-time so despite the facts that he haven’t got fever and I know why he’s got headache I couldn’t send him to school. And I know he’s tiredness and headaches and an open door to our balcony are the reasons for him freezing, but still,  I can’t send him to school. Because in a worse case scenario; he’s been invaded by Covid and then they sertainly not want him at school.

I sat on our couch watching the last episode of Westwood under a blanket. I asked if I wanted to join me under the blanket since he was cold. To my big surprise my 14 years old boy said yes.

He leaned his head against my stomach and thigh and I shared and put the blanket around his upper body. He had put on the hood on his hoodie but I could still “fiddle” with his fringe. I “fiddled” his fringe and I gently stroke his forehead, his temples at the same time as we watched the tv. Soon I came to watch almost solely him. For now it’s moments like this that I need to be present. Partly because he is so big now that he might never again, or at least during several years, be so close to me or leaning that way against me. Or let me “fiddle” with his fringe and stroke his forehead.

I studied his hair, saw that is now ash-blond. It is more bristly now compared to when he was younger. It’s texture is now more like his fathers hair. On his templets, where his hair is much shorter, his hair is almost white. That kind of white that small children can have. Not as the white his grandfather hair has. His “toddler-skin”, the skin that felt like you stroke a really soft fleece blanket, has been replaced with a teens bumpy skin. Even though he’s hardly been out in the sun his skin has started to get tanned. He’s that kind of person the whole family envy; he thinks about the son and then gets tanned as a swedish gingerbread man.

His breathing was barely audible but I saw his hoodie lift and go down over his stomach. I could feel the scent of his perfume. I didn’t know if he had put that on that morning or if it was in his hoodie from the day before. But it’s fragrance was wonderful and masculine. At the same time it reminded me of a perfume that I saved money so I could buy it when I was his age. It was called “Puzzle” and I loved it! So when his perfume reminded me of a masculine version of my perfume I was filled with a calmness inside of me. At the same time I got that kind of pain in my chest that only an overwhelming feeling can cause.

His long, incredible long, eyelashes flickered a little before his eyes shut entirely. Couldn’t stop staring at him. I saw how his eyelids was moving in pace with his eyes under them. What did he dream about? The wings of his nose was slightly dilated when he breathed in and the noises the breaths made made me realize that he’d inherited his fathers narrow nasal passages.

I kept on stroking his hair, his forehead, tempels, the outside of his septum and cheeks.

Breathed in his scent and his sleeping sounds. I enjoyed! Picture that this big boy, whose head just had been covering the palm of my hand, now is almost a grown man. How can this be “my little boy”?  He’s now taller than I am.

The thought of this may be the last time that I got to have him sleeping on my lap slapped me in my face. Punched me in my stomach. Tightened it’s fists around my heart. Made my eyes filling up and over. Had to take the arms of my pyjamas to dry my tears. And when the sobbing came and even my nose threatened to drip down on him my breathing changed. This woke him up, he looked at me and asked what it was. “Nothing”, I replied but the spell was broken. My moment with him was over. He was awake and I understood that he know wanted to sit up. Me I had to rush to the closest papercloth.

Life, children, the earth. Everything are spinning so fast. Passes so quickly.But I managed to seize a moment, get some joy this day, despite me carrying a heavy burden. I’ve now seen that it’s possible – not to seize a day but at least seizing a moment of the day.

Thank you Sanna for the practices in mindfulness and meditations! I’m now going to take back my life that’s been stolen from me. If someone is going to rule my life it’s me!

Thank you Sanna for the practices in mindfulness and meditation! I’m now gonna take back my life that’s been stolen from me. Circumstances, family,  events and other people are always gonna dictate how much of I will be able to govern. But the post as boss of my life that post I will be filling that. With me. Instantaneously.

 

But please! Don’t ask me a month from now how it works out for the boss of my life. Or ask what the boss thinks of me and the other employees. There’s an impending risk that she doesn’t like the organisation she ended up in..

Jag ÄR här. Jag ÄR nu.

31 mars 2020

Jag tog tillvara på ett ögonblick. Ett ögonblick som aldrig hade upppkommit ifall inte Covid -19 intagit vårt jordklot.

Min son har haft huvudvärk sen igår. Jag vet att han inte äter det ha behöver; inte till frukost och sällan maten i skolan. Och dessutom ger han sig inte den sömn han behöver. 2 stora orsaker till varför huvudvärk uppstår. Men nu är det Covid-tider så trots att han var feberfri och jag har anledningarna tills han huvudvärk Och att trötthet och huvudvärk och en öppen altandörr var orsakerna till varför han frös kunde jag inte låta honom gå till skolan. För i värsta fall var huvudvärken och frysningarna tecken på att Covid inkräktat på hans kropp och då vill de inte ha honom i skolan.

Själv satt jag uppkrupen i soffan under en filt och såg det senaste avsnittet av Westworld. Jag frågade om han ville krypa in under filten hos mig eftersom han förs. Till  min stora förvåning tackade 14-åringen ”ja”.

Han lutade sitt huvud mot min mage och lår och jag svepte filten över hans överkropp. Trots att han dragit upp luvan på hans tröja så kunde jag komma åt hans lugg. Jag ”pillade” i luggen och strök honom över panna och tinningar samtidigt som vi tittade på tv:n och snart kom jag att titta nästan uteslutande på honom. För nu är det stunder som denna jag måste vara närvarande i .Dels för att han är så stor att han kanske aldrig mer, eller i alla fall under flera års tid, inte kommer att vara så nära, så uppkrupen mot mig. Eller tillåta mig pilla i hans hår eller stryka hans panna.

Jag studerade hans hår, såg att det nu är cendrefärgat. Att det är strävare än då han var yngre. Dess textur känns nu mer som hans pappas hår. I tinningarna där hans hår är betydligt kortare är jams hår nästan vitt. Den vithet små barn kan ha. Inte som den vithet hans farfars hår har. Hans småbarnshy, den hy som kändes som om man strök en mjuk fleecepläd, har bytts mot en tonårings knottriga hy. Trots att han knappt varit ute i solen har hans hy börjat bli brun. Han är en sån som hela familjen avundas; han tänker på sol och så blir han brun som en pepparkaka.

Hans andetag var knappt hörbara men jag såg hans tröja höjas och sänkas vid hans mage. Jag kunde känna doften av hans parfym. Om han tagit på sig den på morgonen eller om den satt i hans kläder visste jag inte. Men den doftade underbar och maskulint. Samtidig som den påminde om den parfym som jag sparade pengar till för att kunna köpa när jag var i hans ålder. ”Puzzle” hette den och jag älskade den. Så när hans parfym påminde om en maskulin version av den fylldes jag med ett lugn inombords. Samtidig fick jag så där ont i bröstet som bara en överväldigande känsla kan göra.

Hans långa, otroligt långa, ögonfransar fladdrade lite innan hans ögon slöts helt. Kunde inte sluta stirra på honom. Såg hur ögonlocken rörde sig i takt med hur hans ögon rörde sig innanför. Vad drömde han om? Hans näsvingar vidgades lätt vid inandning och ljuden andetagen skapade fick mig att inse att han ärvt sin pappas trånga näsgångar.

Jag fortsatte stryka hans hår, hans panna, hans tinningar, näsben och kinder. Sög i mig hans doft och hans sovljud. Jag njöt!!! Tänk att denna stora pojk, vars huvud nyss rymdes i min hand, nu nästan är en vuxen man. Hur kan han vara ”miin lille pojk”? Han är ju längre än vad jag är.

Tanken på att detta kanske var sista gången som jag fick ha honom sovandes i mitt knä örfilade mig. Slog mig i magen. Knöt sin näver hårt runt mitt hjärta. Fick mina ögon att välla över. Var tvungen att ta min pyjamaströjas ärm och torka tårarna. När snyftningarna kom och även näsan hotade att droppa på honom ändrades min andning. Detta fick honom att vakna, titta på mig och fråga vad det var. ”inget”, svarade jag men förtrollningen var bruten. Mitt ögonblick med honom var över. Han var vaken och jag förstod på honom att han nu ville sätta sig upp. Själv var jag tvungen att rusa med min nästa till närmsta papper.

Livet, barnen, jorden. Allt snurrar så snabbt. Går så snabbt. Men jag lyckades fånga ett ögonblick, få lite glädje denna dag, trots att jag bär på en tung last. Jag har sett att det går – inte fånga dagen men i alla fall fånga och ta var på en stund.

Tack Sanna för mindfulnessövningarna och meditationerna! Jag tänker nu ta tillbaka mitt liv som har stulits ifrån mig. Är det någon som ska styra över mitt liv så är det jag! Omständigheter, familj, händelser, andra människor kommer hela tiden att påverka hur pass mycket jag kan styra mitt liv. Men chefen över mitt liv, den tjänsten tillsätter jag. Med mig själv. Med omedelbar verkan.

Men snälla! Fråga mig inte om en månad hur det går för chefen av mitt liv. Eller vad chefen tycker om mig och alla andra anställda. Finns en överhängande risk för att hon inte gillar den verksamhet hon hamnat i…

Men snälla! Fråga mig inte om en månad hur det går för chefen av mitt liv. Eller vad chefen tycker om mig och alla andra anställda. Finns en överhängande risk för att hon inte gillar den verksamhet hon hamnat i…

Best advice ever how to fully live your life, pt 2

My Coping Strategies when down/depressed pt 5

This weeks coping strategy is ‘humor’. And smiles

My humor can be dark. I can be sarcastic and I can make really really REALLY bad jokes. Or I listen in the person I have in front of me, what make that person smile and try to use that, to make that other person smile. But I always try to be funny. Maybe my so called ‘humor’ is rather a disability for me, because there are those times when I can’t make the other one smile.  Sometimes due to they don’t understand my joke. Continue reading “Best advice ever how to fully live your life, pt 2”

BEST ADVICE EVER HOW TO FULLY LIVE YOUR LIFE

Areas of your life

Today is about how to fully live your life and being the best version of you. Getting control of my life by doing research is a coping strategy for me.Every month you put your entire salary into these savings and you will fight to get a higher salary. Mr Boss must always make sure that you get the highest salary compared to your co-workers. Since you are working so hard compared to the others.
I’ve divided the advice in 8 different areas of your life.

These advices are based on the demands from the world on us. These demands I’ve experienced  thru my soon 44 years life experiences, reading blogs, Instagram-surfing, watching YouTube and Facebook-serving. And of cause I got advices from all commercials you see on tv, YouTube and on all other medias. And these advices are for women. I let a man give the men advices.

If you just want to read about one or two of these areas you can go there by clicking on it above. But if you do so you need to read the end of this post.

Appearance

If you want to fully live your life you need to smile ALL THE TIME! People likes people who are happy and free of problems. Think about how you react when meeting someone with a sad or angry face. Now you understand why. Your weight needs to be perfect and lookout for cellulites! They are tricky bastards.

Hygien

People that meets you always want you to be newly showered. It can mean that you have to shower 10 or more times every day, but that,s life. You should always have shaved/waxed legs, a brazilian vaxing, waxed chin and jaw. Your nose hair is easily taken care of with a beautiful trimmer, see below. You could use a tweezer instead.

 

Beautiful Nose trimmer – to add to your purse

By having the perfume the person you talk to loves, you’ll be more appreciated. So remember to bring small bottles of different perfumes if your going to a big party or a big meeting. Boutiques or other stores often have boxes with different small bottles perfume that you can buy.

Hair

You can easily find the information about your type of hair so you buy the correct products for your hair. That information is really important that you get so don’t get ugly, greasy, dry hair. Just google your kind of hair or search for it on YT, instagram and blogs. You can’t just buy an ordinary shampoo and balm in your drugstore because thy have something in them that destroys the quality of your hair.

After wash moisture and styling products are just as important as is the way your drying your hair. DO NOT use a blowdryer! If you do you need to have heating products in your hair and your blowdryer needs to be on the coldest alternative.

For having a chance to be accepted in the society my advice to you is to keep up to date with what style your hair should have that year.

Skin

Find the right products for your type of skin in google, blogs, YT, Instagram, FB or similar channels. You can also turn to skin therapists where you live. The products you need are expensive but you don’t want to become a raisin when 25  years old.

Do not forget about the rest of your bodys skin! Remember that you breath with that too. The lotion/cream/butter should have a lovely sense but remember that if you’re wearing perfume your body lotion/cream/butter needs to be without a sense.

Makeup

There are many persons at YT that have channels about how you put on the make up and what brands you need to have. It’s not to put on mascara and then leaving home. Follow their advices or no-one will ever talk to you. So my advice to fully live your life – makeup makeup makeup.

Another advice to fully live your life is to perm your lashes or do a slashextension. If you do you will save some of the time you would have needed for your mascara work otherwise.

Advices in other aspects of your appearance

Wellpolished, extended nails are especially important if you’e showing your nails at work. And what husband wants a wife with ugly, short nails with bite marks? Stretch marks or cellulites are forbidden. For the love of ‘the higher power’, do NOT have ugly wedding rings. You must have lip-jobs, facial-jobs, botox, boob-jobs, implants on your butt and in other muscles. Lash-extensions, hair-extensions and pedicure most not be forgetting.

Morning at Asa

Health

Your products are toxic!

I strongly advice you to lookup what all the products you use for your appearance includes. Your products ought to be natural, without all these toxins that are being put into them. Natural, not dangerous for the environment, re-usable, not tested on animals is what you should look for. As I mentioned above; the skin is breathing. Everything you put on your body goes thru the skin to your blood. More or less.

Workout

To have energy to fully live your life you have to do workout. Listen to the people around you to understand what sort of workout that is ‘in’ at the time. Then you buy a membership at the most popular gym where you live. You need to impress on your surrounding people at the gym so make sure you’re waring up to date clothing and that your fitness is more than good when you go there.

You’ll need to workout everyday before 6 am. Preferably for two hours. And then remember to drink a lot. Use a water tracker in your planner so you make sure to remember your intake.

Sleep

At least 8 ours sleep every night. You should not snore, who wants a snoring woman? Have you seen the oldest version of Disney’s ‘Sleeping Beauty’? Then you know what you should look like whilst asleep. NO DREWLING! What ever you do, don’t crinkle your pajamas!

Food

We are very aware these days, luckily, what to eat and what to avoid. There are tons of different diets and advices about what kind of food that you can eat with a good consciences. It’s not easy to choose one but you’re gonna have to. Other ways we’re gonna make such a imprint on the world that it won’t survive.

vegetables, food, tomatoes, diet, healthy, nutrition, fresh, tomato, eat, organic

Take a day, or rather a month, to write on a paper what the different diets are about. What the diet says you can eat, how the product should be produced and transported. How much can you eat and at what time. Do you have to sign up to a program to get the recipes or are they for free? The different diets have different programs, so some of the diets you’ll gonna have a lot of money to participate. Never, ever have a craving for chips or candy!

Choose what fits you and then go all in. I’ thinking about a combination of all diets starting from mars. After that I’m gonna live on water and air. Yes, 2020 is the year I will fully live my life!

Me-time

Always set aside time for yourself! You’ll search for the true you and go to expensive spas, do massages and do salsa.

Lastly; make sure you have the best P.T., diets and fortune teller.

Chronic disease/illness

Having a chronic illness… your out of the game of ‘living your life to the fullest’! But if you decide to join the game anyways;

  • be healthy
  • no complications or symptoms can break your facade
  • always be strong
  • be a survivor
  • climb Mount Everest without using your arms or legs
  • have fundraisings for your condition
  • never lie on the bed when your tired

Personal qualities

The best advice for you to fully live your life is given to you if you always are being happy and pleasing. Show love to everyone and always be cheerful and be engaged all over in the society. Be healthy, be successful, work work work, sleep much, clean much (and do the cleaning the right way with the right stuff) and your home will always be clinically clean and have the right decorations.

Be engaged

As a human

You shall have 100 sponsored children, personally fight with the drug dealers (give them a knockout punch and take them to jail), give your whole salary to animal and human charity, travel to the other side of the world (not by plain, though) and save an endangered dinosaur fossil. Stand up on the barricades for ill-treated humans and fight against stupid opinions.  And for the love of what entity there may be; choose the coolest car! (But it have to be free from gas so it must be driven on lemonade.)

You’ll have to invent medicines that cures the worlds war, world poverty and famine. After that you need to record some music, make a film and the incomes from that will you donate to the ice-machine that will freeze the ice in Antarctica and Arctic.

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Bullying

We can all agree on the fact that bullying in the world that higher men and women and lower men and women (and the ones in between) sometimes exert is not ok. Therefore we must actively end the bullying once and for all and we must get D Trump and other xenophobic people to admit that all people (and animals) in this world have the same worth.

As a parent

You’ll have to participate in the school/schools parenting groups. There you have fundraising’s to the class trips and to the teachers gifts. You’re gonna have to throw the funniest birthday parties for your kids and when they’re in primary and middle school you’ll have to throw the coolest parties of them all.

Never catch a cold but if you do so you shall treat yourself with a household remedy and get well.

Interests

Your one and only interest

Your ONLY interest is your family; their schools, their playmates, their sports or music interests, your husbands wellbeing and all his co-workers wellbeing. Despite the fact that your family is your only interest you must be interested in (I know that doesn’t add up, but life is that way) throwing incredible dinners, travels where you’re skiing in the Alpes or sunbathing on a desolate beach or hiking on winding paths in distant mountains.

Climb the mountains in South America

Spiritual

You need to meditate to get in contact with your spirit guides. You’ll take your spaceship into space to extract strange test from the aliens, get the testsamples back to earth to make alien clones to donate to the zoos.

History and talents

You’re gonna need to know every countries history and know the cause behind countries wars and famine. You should be able to paint beautiful, valuable paintings that will tour between the worlds exclusive exhibitions. At least 700 books will be written of you and all of them must be ranked as no 1 on the worlds booklists. Every bookclub there are in this world (and hopefully even on Mars) will have read these books.

Family, close ones and Social

A must is to be a perfect mother and wife who’s able to cook a 7 courses meal despite your fridge and freezer are being empty. Your home will always need to have fresh, homebaked cookies and cinnamon buns. People will always feel welcome to your home.

Your children

Your kids will have to make guests feel well waited and the will always wear clean clothes free from wrinkles. The kids must never ever say any sorts of cursing words, never be lippy and they shall all the days lay on their knees scrubbing the floors. They have rosy cheeks, warm glowing eyes and high grades.

Your children will be kind and helpful towards others and help old ladies crossing the street. Not being out partying with friend but stay at home playing boardgames and always let the other one win.

To win the best-parenting-game you need to play all the time, campout with them and swim in turquoise water and build castles in the sun under a clear, blue sky. When they’re in schools they will have to say that they have the best, funniest and coolest parents.

General advices come to

If your family is going thru a though time all you should need to click your red shoes heels to make all bad things disappear and the world become shimmering. A well tamed and well groomed dog is a must. The dog will meet the postman everyday, get the newspaper from him, bring it in to you and on the way pick up your slippers and a tray with coffee and cockies to you. All the time the dog will wavering his/hers tail.

Work

Of cause you’ll choose a job that are really well-paid. Your working hours will be 9 to 5 but since you are the bosses favorite you can show up whenever you want. This is good since you are blogging, twittering, YouTube-ing, Instagramming, Facebooking and Pinteresting. At work everybody must love you. They have to feel that you are the kindest, funniest and most competent they’ve ever worked with. And competent you are – you know everything there is to know within your occupation.

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Finances

Every month you put your entire salary into these savings and you will fight to get a higher salary. Mr Boss must always make sure that you get the highest salary compared to your co-workers. Since you are working so hard compared to the others. Put your money into the right funds for saving to your children. The right savings for your pension is something you make sure of as the right stock savings. No loans or credits are allowed.

Image result for finances

Home

Self-sufficient and free from toxins

Your home must be self-sufficient. The beautiful villa (situated by a lake with mountains surrounding you, in the middle of New York)that you have shall have meat animals and pet animals. All your veggies, rice and potatoes are grown by you without any toxins or other shit and you make your own pasta in your big, open kitchen.

A flourishing garden with grass greener than the other side of the fence is also a must. Butterflies and birds is a *have to have’ too. Here you will through lavishing parties for neighbors and friends.

Advices for the best indoors appearance

Always have new curtains and opulent plants. The bed shall always be made with 20 matching cushions. Preferably add 16 matching blankets. Homemade, of cause. Mites are strictly banned! Expensive furniture and expensive carpets in  all rooms in your villa. No cheep branding when it comes to your toiletpaper or dish-brushes.

Asa

Best advice ever how to fully live your life

Are you thinking that this post is a lot of bullish**? That I’m totally f*****-up? GOOD! That’s what I’m hoping for! Welcome back tomorrow!