I haven’t written so much about these last two weeks cause I really don’t know how much I can write about “our situation” without anyones feelings getting hurt. Afraid that it’s gonna lead to embarrassment for my close ones if “it gets out”. This needs also to be considered before I write about “the situation”. At the same time I feel that the world to day need that the needs that this is subject gets lifted. It’s real and many goes thru it. As a close one or as the one “the problem” concerns.
I gave up and gave in
I thought my Copingskills were enough
I have all the time tried to be the step before the MS. Planning for aids, solutions, tried to make sure my feelings were in order. And I managed to cope with everything about me, my symptoms and the MS. I accept all my disabilities. I don’t like them, I accept them. What I didn’t manage to solve were my husbands and kids way of handling the changes. And that is a rather large part of your life, isn’t it?
Everyone, with some few exceptions, see that I try to be strong and I’m handling our situation well, that I face struggles with a smile ok, maybe not a smile, but I dive into them and solve them. I’m always joking when outside our home. Always. I might tell the persons what’s troubling me right then but in the next sentence I’m making a joke about the situation and say that everything is going to be ok.
But you know what the say about the clowns – behind their masks they’re carrying a big sorrow inside.
My breaking point
It all came to the point where I felt as a burden, in their way of happiness. I felt that I didn’t have the strength to fight agains our situation in the family everyday for the rest of my life. They would get a better life if they didn’t have to consider me and my disabilities and get irritated on me because I don’t have the energy to dish, wash, cock, driving someone somewhere or what ever.
Bad decisions and alcohol
If you have MS you have probably noticed that you can’t drink as much as you used to. The already affected brain gives you worsened symptoms when you feed it with alcohol. That day I had drunken 2 glasses of wine and maybe one beer. (I honestly do not remember.) So when some family members told me something that really hurt me I felt “I can’t take this no more, they’re better of without me and the troubles I cause”.
Despite of my kids being up I locked my self up in the toilet and took all of the pills I knew would kill me. Then I went to bed. But it didn’t go as I planned. Normally they don’t disturb me when I go to bed so I really thought that I would die before my husband found me. ( I know that it was a terrible thought of me. I punished myself enough, so please do not do that you too.) This evening my daughter came in to ask me if I didn’t want any supper.
Causing my family even more pain
I woke up the next day when some said “we are gonna draw the tubes know”. I coughed and felt panic for not getting air into my lungs. I do not remember much more for some minutes. Then I looked up and saw my mother besides me and I recognised the ICU since I’ve been there several times to take our patients back to my ward. I’ve been there as a close one e.g. I’d visited my father and grandmother there.
But I could not understand what I was doing there. I asked my mother and she told me that I had tried taking my life. My daughter had found me. It made me cry so hard. What in the world had I done to my daughter??? To my son? To my husband? Right there and then I could only think about the pain I caused the three of them.
I have small glimpses of memories from the rest of that day. I remember no one blaming me for what I’d done. No one being angry at me. I remember my kids scared faces. My ex-colleague, who’s now working in the ICU, stood beside my bed telling me that I scared her last night and showed me the braid she’d done during the night in my hair.
Long story shorter
I spent two nights at the hospital since the pills I’d taken causes problems with the hearts rhythm so they had to monitoring my heart. That means also that I was moved to the ward for people with heartissues. The ward where one of my closes friends, my closes friend when it comes to svaret hobbies, world. So I managed to make her scared and sad when she realised that the intox they were going to survei was me. She came and sat beside me and we cried some tears together. You should here me cursing as I write this. Cursing against myself. All the harm I’ve caused.
When I was released from hospital they sent me to one of the psychiatry wards. I had approved being admitted there. I wanted to to what was best for my family. Even if I actually could say that I will never make my family go thru this again I thought it would be the best thing to do, letting the psychiatric people take care of me. I had daytime permissions from the first day I came to them. A Thursday if my memory is correct. The following Monday the psychiatric doctor offered me to be discharged, but I felt unsure whether or not that was a good decision. So I got to get home on permission instead and since that week felt good at home me and my husband when back to see the doctor again on the Friday and I was discharged.
The hours I spent on the ward I doodled zendoodles and I made cards that I continued working on at home. (Bigger stuff-stack at home)
Trying to watercolor night sky
I guess I should have made a collage. You know the strength…
The work on our feelings Continues
I’ve been getting phonecalls from my contact nurse once or twice a week since then. The family has taken part in Family prevention sessions. I’m seeing a psychologist so I feel well taken care of. It took several weeks after my suicide attempt before the depression came. Cause inside I knew, and my close ones knows it to, that it wasn’t an attempt. It was pure luck that my daughter found me. And I’ve told her that I’m thankful for the fact that she found me. I’ve told her that she saved my life that day. After that sight, that she will probably be suffering from more or less during her lifetime. My, probably crazy, thought is that I want to turn that awful memory to a less awful memory by telling her that she saved her mothers life that day. I know, I’ve probably fucked her up for the rest of her life.
I’m trying to listen as much as possible when my kids talk, looking for signs of how they feel. I’ve told the councelor in my sons school and his schoolmentor about my suicideattempt so they keep an extra eye on him to see signs of him needing help. I see my husbands struggles. I’ve offered advice and solutions to the everyday life of ours. Then it’s up to him to decide how we solve it. I can’t do more than mentally trying to help him because my body is fucked up. I do household chores but it’s not much or for a long time I can do them. That is why I’ve had to lay my blog on ice.
I need to practice “self-love” according to my psychologist. Can it be because I torture myself for having tortured my family with my suicide attempt? Or because I blame myself for being sick, being a burden to my family? Or because I feel useless and worthless because I’m not able to work? Honestly I sometime hates myself because I’m not being the wife, mother, daughter, daughter in law, sister, friend, co-worker, employee I should be? And I’ve caused so much pain for my parents, other close ones and my friends by doing what I did – can I ever forgive myself for that?
Prioritize what I love
Well, I’ve tried to do that even before the shit broke lose. Now when my energy level is even lower it feels even more shameful when I prioritize crouching instead of cleaning. But I’m getting better on not getting a bad conscious when I do that prioritization. But I’m having difficulties finding joy in anything right now so I have my list of things I normally love to do, and I pick what to do from it. It’s seldom I feel for doing e.g. crocheting for a long time so I jump in-between my hobbies. So in one day I can have painted, worked in by Bullet Journal, chroched, watched “Time team” on YouTube, listen to one of all the pods I love (Right now listening to Mysterious Circumstances and Justins serie about Billy the Kid. LOVE that pod, despite his language, hehe!), snuggled with my dog etc.
My last session with my psychologist she started to talk of Pennebaker who has written several books on the subject of writing as a method to heal. And since I love writing I accepted her suggestion; write about something that upsets me and then either tare the paper and dispose or keep it or we can talk about what I’ve written the following session. Since I’ve written journals since I was about nine years old I fell for it. (I’m a periodic journaler…) It’s not the way Pennebakers method is, but I’ve read about it and I try to follow his method, but I’m going to write for more than 4 days.
Workout fitted for me
Unfortunately my exercise biking has taken a blow since I
- Got tromboses in my left leg. The leg that normally functions longest of my legs… When I use that left leg it gets swollen and hurts really bad. I’m daily wearing a support stocking but it is not enough. So on Thursday I’m going to the doctor so he can write a referral to the nurse att the vesilsurgeons receiving ward. (Is those the right words?). Then they will try out a better support stocking that I can wear and get the swelling under control. Since it’s like having a fridge instead of a leg (when it’s swollen) it will make it easier to use my exercise bike.
- My level hemoglobin isn’t high enough because I have a lack of iron in the system. This makes me short of breath after just I short while on my bike. I’ve been taken tablets (I need no doctor to know what to take when I have a lack of iron 😉 so I prescribed the pills myself) since the lack of iron were found but I’m still having symtoms of anemia. Many of the symtoms are unfortunately the same as my PPMS gives me… Another aspect of me being anemic is that I daily have to take blood-thinning medicin to prevent me from getting more blood cloths. That medicin combined with being a woman, i.e. having period, every month isn’t that amusing. The period is really not liking the blood-thinning crap – it feels like I’m bleeding the whole month more or less. So on Thursday my level of hemoglobin also will get checked.
I’ve used my bike but I haven’t been able to do more than short sessions.
I’ve done yoga and it works most of the time since it’s easy to adjust the exercises after your own abilities. Lifting my dumbbells aren’t any bigger problems. I get tired in my muscles sooner than before, but I do as many as I can.
My friend and my Yoga-guru, Sanna, started a 40 days with Kirtan Kriya challenge on her FB. I think that it had been going on for 14 days when I met her in the beginning of November but she let me tag along anyway. I’m so grateful for that cause it has been so calming to sit down once a day and do the Kirtan Kriya. Kirtan Kriya has in some studies shown positive effects on your memory and your psych. After doing this mediation (including the right finger movements)
During 12 minutes a day for 8 weeks it has proven to increase the blood flow to your front- and pariental-lobes. It also have a positive effect on cellular level which in the end leads to less vulnerability to aging and disease for you. You can read about the Nobel Prize winner Elizabeth Blackburn and her research about the enzyme Telemorease and the chromosomeprotective Telemores here.
Honestly I don’t care wether or not this meditation have all these effects or not, I love doing this meditation and it makes me drift away from reality for 12 minutes. And no, I haven’t succeeded 12 minutes without my thoughts drifting away to “things I need to do” at least once during the meditation… Not yet. But I’m only on day 22 now.
Creating a bedtimeroutin to unwind
I’ve tried to do this for some months now. I somehow found the FLYlady on Pinterest. I wrote down the routines I wanted to have each day of the week and I wrote down my morningroutins and evening routines. I thought that would make it easier for me to get things done. But my strength wasn’t there to follow my routine. I try not to se my “un-following” as another failure, I really try. Instead I try to see that if I get some energy over I can take a look at these daily routines and pick one of the tasks from that day and get done. But I feel the need to get routines at least for the evening to easier unwind. I need that because I have insomnia again.
My routine is very simple. Put down the phone. I’m only allowed to use it for playing calming music and/or hypnosis- or meditation-session for insomnina. (On spotify.) I often start with mediation with my candles lit. Then I continue writing on my task; Expressive writing. After that it’s time to blow out the candles and either listen to my “sleep without words-” or my “sleep with words playlists. Or I listen to an insomnia-session. Hopefully it’s “goodnight” then.
A caotic blogpost, I know.
This post isn’t that well thought through. But I felt that if I didn’t post anything now this blog would probably never get a post again. And I just paid for the domain. Since I don’t earn anything now I better use what I’ve paid for 😛 .
To be honest, I haven’t lost the feeling of “I can’t take this anymore, I don’t have the strength to hold on and wait for the day when my family ‘s feeling better”. Because that day feels so distant right now. But I try to fight and I’ve learned that I have so many around me who are supporting me. I’ve realized that I have so many wonderful persons around me; family, extended family, friends, the Psychiatric clinic, the Union (for nurses) and many more. E. g. yesterday my best friend Katta, alias Katarina, alias Nina took me to a lovely bakery and café by a lake. We had delicious scones and desserts. Most important was the fact that we had time to meet and laugh and talk together. That is the medicine for my soul.
Have you been where I am now – have you tried to take your life? How are you feeling now? What is it that put you in that situation? If you don’t want to write it here but you want to write to me send me a dm on either FB or on Insta.
Having depression? What kind of strategies do you use to feel better?
I’d love to hear from you! Sharing can give you opportunities to find ways out of the darkness that you haven’t been able to think of because you’re feeling so low. Hugs to you all and thanks for reading!!!