I’m genuinely apologizing to you!

I didn’t mean to disappear like this! I didn’t plan being away this long nt writing or reading and responding to comments.

My physical status have gone crazy; it has just went down and continued doing so. With this short post I just want to shortly explain that right now I’ve been forced to change my priorities – I’m just doing what my body allows which is not much… I spend most of my days in bed right now and I’m in the beginning of my doctors ‘investigations’ of what’s wrong. So I don’t know if I’m like this because my MS has gotten worse or if it’s some kind of virus or bacteria that’s messing me up. This moment I’m waiting for the answers from my test for bacteria in my urine and on my Cover -19-test. Not until I get answer of my Covid-test I’ll be able to leave the prescribed blood tests. That is if my Covid-test is negative…

You just have to love Covid… Me being cold most of this year hasn’t helped things out. But at least I haven’t had Covid! Yet, that is.

My intentions and hopes are that I will read all comments and I still want to have ‘yoga classes’ on my YouTube channel. But the lack of strength in my muscles, it feels as if they are filled with jelly, and the fatigue is killing me.

I beg of your forgiveness and pleas be patient with me and this blog. I need to learn whether this state of mine is going to stay or, hopefully, temporary. When I know I will tell. Maybe I can make short posts like this, not caring about SEO, keywords or the look of the post. But just to show you how I tackle my oh so tired days.

Bye for now. Yours sincerely,

Fina.


PS! The worst thing about the picture above is that it really shows what I look like…

I AM here. I AM now.

March 31, 2020

I cherished a moment. A moment I never would have gotten if it hadn’t been for Covid -19 invading our earth.

My son have had a headache since yesterday. I know that he doesn’t eat what he needs to; not for breakfast and not eating what they serve at school. And on top of that he doesn’t sleep the amount of hours he needs to. 2 big reasons for why he’s got headache. But now it’s Covid-time so despite the facts that he haven’t got fever and I know why he’s got headache I couldn’t send him to school. And I know he’s tiredness and headaches and an open door to our balcony are the reasons for him freezing, but still,  I can’t send him to school. Because in a worse case scenario; he’s been invaded by Covid and then they sertainly not want him at school.

I sat on our couch watching the last episode of Westwood under a blanket. I asked if I wanted to join me under the blanket since he was cold. To my big surprise my 14 years old boy said yes.

He leaned his head against my stomach and thigh and I shared and put the blanket around his upper body. He had put on the hood on his hoodie but I could still “fiddle” with his fringe. I “fiddled” his fringe and I gently stroke his forehead, his temples at the same time as we watched the tv. Soon I came to watch almost solely him. For now it’s moments like this that I need to be present. Partly because he is so big now that he might never again, or at least during several years, be so close to me or leaning that way against me. Or let me “fiddle” with his fringe and stroke his forehead.

I studied his hair, saw that is now ash-blond. It is more bristly now compared to when he was younger. It’s texture is now more like his fathers hair. On his templets, where his hair is much shorter, his hair is almost white. That kind of white that small children can have. Not as the white his grandfather hair has. His “toddler-skin”, the skin that felt like you stroke a really soft fleece blanket, has been replaced with a teens bumpy skin. Even though he’s hardly been out in the sun his skin has started to get tanned. He’s that kind of person the whole family envy; he thinks about the son and then gets tanned as a swedish gingerbread man.

His breathing was barely audible but I saw his hoodie lift and go down over his stomach. I could feel the scent of his perfume. I didn’t know if he had put that on that morning or if it was in his hoodie from the day before. But it’s fragrance was wonderful and masculine. At the same time it reminded me of a perfume that I saved money so I could buy it when I was his age. It was called “Puzzle” and I loved it! So when his perfume reminded me of a masculine version of my perfume I was filled with a calmness inside of me. At the same time I got that kind of pain in my chest that only an overwhelming feeling can cause.

His long, incredible long, eyelashes flickered a little before his eyes shut entirely. Couldn’t stop staring at him. I saw how his eyelids was moving in pace with his eyes under them. What did he dream about? The wings of his nose was slightly dilated when he breathed in and the noises the breaths made made me realize that he’d inherited his fathers narrow nasal passages.

I kept on stroking his hair, his forehead, tempels, the outside of his septum and cheeks.

Breathed in his scent and his sleeping sounds. I enjoyed! Picture that this big boy, whose head just had been covering the palm of my hand, now is almost a grown man. How can this be “my little boy”?  He’s now taller than I am.

The thought of this may be the last time that I got to have him sleeping on my lap slapped me in my face. Punched me in my stomach. Tightened it’s fists around my heart. Made my eyes filling up and over. Had to take the arms of my pyjamas to dry my tears. And when the sobbing came and even my nose threatened to drip down on him my breathing changed. This woke him up, he looked at me and asked what it was. “Nothing”, I replied but the spell was broken. My moment with him was over. He was awake and I understood that he know wanted to sit up. Me I had to rush to the closest papercloth.

Life, children, the earth. Everything are spinning so fast. Passes so quickly.But I managed to seize a moment, get some joy this day, despite me carrying a heavy burden. I’ve now seen that it’s possible – not to seize a day but at least seizing a moment of the day.

Thank you Sanna for the practices in mindfulness and meditations! I’m now going to take back my life that’s been stolen from me. If someone is going to rule my life it’s me!

Thank you Sanna for the practices in mindfulness and meditation! I’m now gonna take back my life that’s been stolen from me. Circumstances, family,  events and other people are always gonna dictate how much of I will be able to govern. But the post as boss of my life that post I will be filling that. With me. Instantaneously.

 

But please! Don’t ask me a month from now how it works out for the boss of my life. Or ask what the boss thinks of me and the other employees. There’s an impending risk that she doesn’t like the organisation she ended up in..

Falling into the positivity-trap

It's funny how everybody considers honesty a virtue, yet no one wants to hear the truth.
heartfeltquotes.blogspot.com

Falling into the Positivity Trap 

I really fell into the ‘always be positive trap’! I started this blog to help others thru their chronic illnesses by charing information and advices of how to manage all those side effects of our illnesses. I started to scan blogs and websites about all topics that are relevant when having a chronic illness. And then I lost my track…

 When a full-blown anxiety-attack strikes

What do you do when you have an full-blown anxiety-attack and none of your coping-methods help? Or, as in my case, I didn’t want to use my coping-methods. So tired of always having to fight these dark thoughts.

The cause of my anxiety-attack was all the stuff I need to deal with. All these everyday-stuff. Wife-stuff. Mother-stuff. Daughter-stuff. Being a good friend-stuff. With the difference that everyone around me, and me, are being affected of an illness that I have dragged into our lives. These issues gives me feelings of being the one to blame for all negativity, guilt. And I feel worthless as a mother and wife. My upbringing of our kids have totally failed. Just the upbringing of our two years old dog, Wille. They would be better off without me.

I know that these thoughts are dangerous for me and hurtful for those around me. I’ve already acted the wrong way to these feelings once time (took my life in August 2019 – I couldn’t even do that correctly). I Made a promise to my kids and husband that I would never do that again so I can’t use that as a coping strategy…

So what did I do when I had this full-blown anxiety-attack? In the end I’d used a combo of bad coping strategies and  good coping strategies. The bad coping strategy– took extra sleeping-pills to fall asleep faster. I couldn’t stand letting that day include more minutes. (I know how many too much I can take without my body shutting off. I DO ADVICE YOU TO NOT DO THE SAME THING!!! How we respond to medications are very individual and you may have a more potent medication for sleeping-disorders than I do!!!)

My good coping strategy: Did my breathing techniques which makes me calm since I have to put my focus on my breathing. This is not easy! Practice this when you are calm. Preferably every day. If you then have an anxiety-attack you will get use of all your practices.

It’s strange, but every time I’ve had an attack like this, the morning after the deepest darkness is gone. On the other hand – the day after can start with someone triggering these emotions again and a new anxiety-attack flares up. Hopefully one of my coping strategies has a result that time.

Nobody wants to see and read on Instagram about misery.

Our wonderful, Corona-infected, world don’t want to read about the ugly truth. Let’s play the ‘pretend game’ where everyone are rich, beautiful and oh, so happy!!! I slipped in to that game for a second and now I’m turning that game off.  That game can be fun to play for a while, but when you realize that many of those other players ARE rich, beautiful and happy and they doesn’t give a fu** about you, or how fun  you think that game is… That game isn’t for you. ‘

I know that you choose how you want to respond to things you see and that it’s your responsibility to know what’s real and what’s just showing off. But it’s difficult. Especially when you have so low self-esteem as I have very often nowadays. That feeling of inadequacy hasn’t to do with the feeling ‘I wish I travelled’, ‘I wish I was rich’ or ‘I wish I had such a fancy dinner’. No, my feeling of inadequacy has to do with me not being able to give my kids as other kids seems to be getting. At least according to Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest or what social media you watch.

Be positive!

It is not ok to feel down and think that life sucks. That your paycheck sucks. That the politicians sucks. That being sick sucks. That everyday-life, sometimes or often, sucks. Your supposed to smile anyway, you son of a b! Be positive for christ sake so you don’t make others feel bad! Never EVER tell them how you really feel!

I’m aware of my horrible language but I’m so over always excusing myself, always feeling the pressure of ‘having to do something good for the society’, always feeling the pressure to write positive quotes and tell the whole world of ‘how grateful I am for…’.

I’m so tired. So terrible tired. I can’t see how I can go on like this, year in and year out. 

What you want others to think of you

I know that my closest friends and relatives don’t mind me telling the truth but I don’t want them to think that I’m a ‘complaining’ and ‘depressing’ person.

A split personality

At the same time I think of all the things I want to do that gives me joy. Like becoming instructor in yoga for youth and kids. Hold classes in mindfulness for others with chronic illnesses. (Because I can guarantee them, by own experience, that learning to breath the right way can help you thru an anxiety-attack.) And I want to have yoga for those who needs a chair to yoga. Yoga for those who can’t perform advanced positions (like the dog with is arse facing the sky).

And I want to have a dog that I can take out even if I’m in my wheelchair. But we have never taught him how to walk without running infront of our legs or without over-stretching the leash. Finally we have found a good dog trainer and started in her class!

No surprise; our dog was the one who was the least obedient one in the class… It was so obvious where we went wrong in our parenting, listen to her theory-lessons at the same time as I reflected over our dogs behavior…

 

 

At the same time I feel the expectations from the world around me that they want me to feel good and do my best. I feel the expectations that I shall ‘think positive and conquer my physical impairments and do great things’.

Somewhere deep inside I yet hope that someone out there feels “it isn’t just me who is struggling” and being helped of mine oh so depressing posts on ‘my’ social medias.

Then comes the lightning

Today we finally got to see the sun!!! In my ‘sunny-corner’ on our patio it has been warm enough to show my legs and arms. (praying to the higher powers that I will get another skin tone than that ‘corpse-white’ they’ve now got.) Unfortunately it’s still cold everywhere else outside my ‘sunny-corner’ but there’s hope. I know I will feel a little more happy if we get a sunny and warm summer, but I live in Sweden, so…

 

It’s not much I’ve written in this post but still it has taking me two days to write it. I think I’ve mentioned it earlier in the post – I’m so tired 😉 Please excuse this post for the strangeness in it’s first heading. I don’t understand how I made that read background that pops up and I can’t change it back…

In terms of Covid -19

I hope that raging virus treats you gentle and no-one close to you will get seriously ill. Even if I’ve got PPMS and just got my antibody treatment I’m not worried for my own sake. I’m more worried about my parentes and parents in law and my sister in law (she also have treatment for MS, not the same kind of MS as me, though). My belief is that it’s dangerous for those who ‘the normal’ influensa is dangerous to. Covid -19 has just spread more than ‘the normal’ flue. That is what I believe, not claiming I’m right.

How do you deal when you get your anxiety-attacks and what are your triggers? Love to hear from you!

/Fina

 

All you need to know about coping strategies and where you find them

My intention with this post is to tell you about what a copingstrategy is. And why  they excist. Where can you find them? In the supermarket? Did you know that we are born with some of these strategies? If we don´t have problems with our nervous system we will draw back our hand if burn it. Our coping strategy is to stay away from burning thingies…

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When life gives you lemons – make lemonade. Yeah, right…

Cheerful quotes how do you feel about them? Well I feel that sometimes I just want to shove them into the mouth that wrote them and say “I hope you choke of them”. Like this quote above: “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade”. I will tell you that one of my lemons are bad and it doesn’t matter how much sugar I add – my lemonade still taste like shit.

Continue reading “When life gives you lemons – make lemonade. Yeah, right…”

Symptom management having PPMS/RRMS/SPMS – exercise/workout

How to manage your PPMS/RRMS/SPMS symptoms

I cannot help it, but I can not stop thinking of the Madagascar movie when I think of my task for not getting worse. But I have read several articles about MS and treatments and it is actually true. You can prevent your PPMS/RRMS/SPMS from getting worse by doing an activity that increases your pulse. Increasing your pulse is the same thing as your bodys blood flow is getting higher which is good since the blood  flow transports oxygen and nutritions to your brain. Continue reading “Symptom management having PPMS/RRMS/SPMS – exercise/workout”